Six Months In Edinburgh And The Self-Love Skills That Stuck

When my spirit guides said “Edinburgh,” after getting a divorce I decided to listen. What followed wasn’t a postcard fantasy. It was a full reset: leaving behind a marriage, selling most of what I owned, and choosing six months away from the roles that had me pouring into everyone else while running on empty. If you’re craving a real self-love story with messy edges, this one is for you.

One of the most practical tools I brought back is almost ridiculous in its simplicity: sit on a park bench for 10 minutes with no phone, no talking, just you and your thoughts. With ADHD, that sounds like torture, but it became a training ground for calm, presence, and control over the stories my mind kept replaying. I talk through how guilt and shame show up when you try to rest, how curiosity breaks the loop, and how small increases in time can create a quiet you may have never felt before.

Scotland also taught me slow living, stronger boundaries, and energy protection and then life tested those lessons hard. Money stress, asking family for help, and an expensive travel-ticket scam forced me back into survival mode, where discernment matters more than optimism. I share how I rebuilt once I got home: work, housing, a car, and the ongoing challenge of integrating what I learned abroad into everyday American life.

Sometimes you gotta be adult in the room to say something. Silence = Death.

Transcript

Welcome And Why Scotland

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hey! Welcome to Self Lovin' with Auntie Robin. I am here in Edmund in a park sweating.

SPEAKER_01 0:10

Just sweating.

SPEAKER_00 0:12

And glistening and loving my life. And I hope that you're loving your life too. Today's episode, what we're going to talk about is my trip to Scotland. Because you're probably wondering, Auntie, why?

SPEAKER_01 0:28

Why'd you go? What'd you do?

SPEAKER_00 0:32

Was it worth it? And I'm here to tell you it was 100% worth it. All the trials and tribulations, it was worth it. So, how did I end up in Scotland exactly? You can thank COVID for that one. Because COVID really fucked everything up in the world, to be honest with you. And it exposed how everything that we have done so far is just absolutely not working anymore. It's not. Well, any of it. So the only thing that you can really fix is yourself. The world isn't going to fix itself.

COVID Awakening And Ancestors

SPEAKER_00 1:20

So why not turn internally and start fixing that? And that is where my journey ended up beginning with COVID. So I ended up reconnecting to your ancestors and spirit guides. And because I used to be able to do that as a kid until it wasn't safe to do it anymore. And then what ended up happening is that it just opened up my life again and kind of created a lot of chaos, but also a lot of fun and a lot of magic in my life. Not gonna lie. It's been pretty magical. Doesn't look like it from the outside world, but it has been kind of magical. So, what do you do with that kind of magic? Well, I was in a long-term relationship, and it got to the point with COVID that I'm like, I need to change something within myself. I know you said you wanted to change. Let's try and do this change together. Let's try and like get ourselves mentally back on track. And so he got a therapist, and I was working on like opening my intuition and kind of working on stuff just myself because I couldn't afford to do both of us in therapy at the same time. So he went to a therapist and I read some self-help books. And unfortunately, I ended up kind of surpassing them in my healing journey, and it was not the best. To the point in which it became hard for me, I was burning myself out because I was trying to be emotionally supportive for them, but still trying to be emotionally supportive to me, but still working at a job in which everybody wants me to be a healer for them, but I wasn't able

Divorce And Choosing Yourself

SPEAKER_00 3:20

to pour into my own cup. So I wasn't pouring into anybody's cup, and it did not go well. So what ended up happening is that we ended up getting a divorce. Uh, we sold the house and went our separate ways. So at this point, I'm living in an apartment by myself with my cat, just enjoying my life and having fun with my spirit guides and ancestors. But one night, all of a sudden, I'm just like, guides, I need your help. I do not know what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to go, or what I am supposed to be right now. I do not feel like Oklahoma is the end-all be-all of where I'm supposed to be right now, but I do not know where

Spirit Guides Point To Edinburgh

SPEAKER_00 4:10

it is that I am supposed to go. Can you guys please help me on this? And they're just all of a sudden I heard in my head, um, you need to get back to your roots. And I'm like, okay, guys, um, are you talking like ancestral roots? Are we talking hair roots? Are we talking plant roots? What kind of roots are we talking about here, guys? And they're just like, no, ancestral, you know that. I'm like, okay, great. That narrows it down to five countries, then. Okay. So which one of those five countries am I supposed to go to? And they're just like, start naming them. And I'm like, okay, Ireland. And they're just like, no. And I'm like, okay, Scotland. And then all of a sudden I hear Edinburgh. And I'm like, so you want me to go to Edinburgh, Scotland? And they're like, yes. I'm like, how am I supposed to pay for all of this? And they're like, sell what you don't need. I'm like, okay. So what I ended up doing was selling my furniture, my kitchen stuff, my appliances, everything. About the only thing that I have left now is clothes, DVDs, art supplies, and my artwork. That's it. I do not own much else right now. And I sold my car, I sold everything

Selling Everything For Six Months

SPEAKER_00 5:40

in order to get this opportunity to go to Scotland for like six months. So I did that. And I ended up going to Scotland for six months, and it was freaking fantastic. I totally recommend not working for six months. It will set you right again. Financially, I don't know if I'll recover from this, but it did emotionally set me right again. I totally recommend getting away from everything that you know. Your friends, your family, your job, the people around you that just take advantage of you because, quite honestly, they're used to you being around. And that's why they take advantage of you. And by removing myself from literally everyone except for myself, I got a completely clean slate to do what I needed to do, which is rework all of this. And it is an incredible experience if you can be able to do that. And I know not everybody, it's it's a privilege. It was a privilege to be able to do this, but I also sacrificed a lot. And by the end of the story, you'll know how much I sacrificed. It wasn't all sunshine and rainbows on my journey, okay? I just want to let you know that one. But you have to nourish yourself. You have to give back to yourself.

Self-Care Lesson And Integration

SPEAKER_00 7:20

You need to care for you. And I wasn't doing that for myself, I was doing it for everyone else. And that was the big lesson that I learned when I was in Scotland is how to take care of me. Now, I was still working on the podcast while I was in Scotland. And every episode that I did was actually the lessons that I was currently learning. So you're seeing me go through all the healing in real time, and that hasn't stopped. In fact, today's episode is talking about combining all of that from before, from what I learned, and then it all cohesively coming together and like integrating. Like the lessons that I learned from Oklahoma before I started, the dark nights of the souls that I went through for abuse, the dark nights of the soul for self-worth, the dark nights of the soul of being taken advantage of, the dark nights of the soul of like me not being able to have my childhood needs met, also being able to just kind of finally breathe for once in my motherfucking life. And that, my friend, took getting out of the country and getting away from everything and everyone that I knew and just unplugging from all of it. All of it. I was posting on social media, but I wasn't looking at anybody else's stuff. I was just posting what I needed to get out from myself and then leaving it out there. I wasn't interested in what everybody else was doing. I was just focused on this and being very selfish in that. And sometimes you need to be a selfish fuck, and you need to take care of you. End of story. Full stop. Do not apologize for it. Ever. Ever. But that's where we are right now. We're on like this big precipice of change, and change is really the only constant that we have within this world. So if you can embrace the change within yourself and develop and bring that out to others, and doing it for yourself, not for anybody else, but just for you, your life is going to change more than you can ever, ever freaking believe. Because oftentimes we look outside of ourselves and to everyone else around us to prove to us our reality. When actually what needs to happen is you need to look within yourself and prove your reality to you. But maybe that's where we can start making the positive change in the world. It's not actually with the government, it's not actually with trying to get like your significant other to be who you want them to be. Maybe it's just trying to get yourself to be the best you that you can be. And hopefully, with another person tries to do that, and then another person tries to do that. And then maybe we can collectively come together and finally make some fucking changes. So I'm going to show you some of the changes that I have been making and how I have been relating and how I have been changing my mindset on a lot of these concepts and thoughts and things that have kind of come up, and taking the lessons that I've learned from Scotland and the lessons that I've learned before and integrating it together. Because when you're healing, integration is the one part that often gets overlooked. And so let's integrate some of that today. I'll be right back.

Park Bench Practice For Calm

SPEAKER_00 12:16

Now, as you guys know, I am back in the United States. I'm not really happy about this, but I am readjusting to this. Now, I've been in Scotland for six months and I learned so many valuable lessons. Now, the one lesson that I learned and the trick that I did with it actually did several things. The first thing that it taught me was learned how to calm my mind. I have ADHD, and anybody who knows that, what that is like, knows the challenge of trying to calm your mind and your thoughts is what I also learned in this one one technique that I did, okay. I also learned how to get real comfortable in the uncomfortable, and that is a place that is a weird place to be, but it does allow you a lot of freedom if you can do it. The other thing that I learned is control over my own thoughts and mind. And you want to know how I did all of that? I sat on a park bench for five minutes, not looking at my phone, not talking to anyone, but trying to be in the present moment just with myself. And that without guilt or shame that's something else that also came up. So that's like four things right there: eliminating guilt and shame, learning how to be with yourself and sit with yourself, having control over your thoughts, and having to be able to get real comfortable with being uncomfortable and being with yourself. And you want to know how to do that? Sit your butt on a park bench, especially in America, because no one is gonna come around and talk to you. They won't. But sit there for at least try 10 minutes and watch where your thoughts go. Listen to them. In fact, if you want to maybe even write some of them down, take a pen and paper with you and write some of your thoughts down. Remember what it is that you're thinking of while you're there, and just be like, and then ask yourself, is any of this shit true? Any of it?

SPEAKER_01 15:29

Any of it? Probably not.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

But having to sit there for 10 minutes without looking at your phone, being in the present moment, and sitting with your thoughts is a challenge. And I eventually got myself up to the point in which I could do it for an hour without having racing thoughts. The first 10 minutes were terrible. I felt so guilt-ridden and so much shame. I'm like, I should be doing something. What am I? I I I'm just sitting here. I this is dumb. Why, why, why, why, why am I sitting here? What is what good is this gonna do me? And eventually, I'm just like, well, get curious. Why are you doing that to yourself? Why are you putting guilt and shame on you when you want to sit on this park bench for 10 minutes and just kind of be with your thoughts? Why am I beating myself up? And that's when you start realizing some of this that oh, I'm doing this to myself. Nobody else is doing this to me. I am doing this to myself. I'm laying guilt and shame on me because I think I should be doing something more valuable with my time when actually giving myself this time and analyzing my thoughts and analyzing what it is that I'm trying to overcome in my thoughts is what is developing into something that is making me more free and freeing me internally from the guilt and shame that other people have put on me because they feel that sitting down and just being with yourself is something that you have to have guilt and shame for. When actually it brings you back more to yourself, when you can actually sit there and question your beliefs or your thought patterns of why does this thought keep looping in my head? And I started getting curious about it, and I started asking myself questions about well, why do I feel that? Is that something that I really believe? Is that something that I need to look at? And then I started doing that, and then all of a sudden, when I got up to a half an hour of sitting on the bench, I could actually sit there for like 15 minutes and not have a thought going through my head. My brain has never been that quiet, it was scary, it scared the crap out of me because I've never had a quiet moment to myself, and that was interesting to discover what that felt like, and that's the first time I'm 54 years old, and that is the first time I ever felt like, oh my god, I am sitting

Grace Over Guilt And Shame

SPEAKER_00 19:20

with myself, and I am being I am enjoying a moment where I'm not thinking about what needs to happen next. I'm not thinking about the next thing I gotta do. I'm not dwelling on the stuff from my past, but I'm just so present in this moment that I was just being and that's what Scotland taught me was how to be with me. And now, granted, it it did help the fact that I had no family around me, I had none of my friends around me, I had no support whatsoever, and I was just able to be. But you need to give yourself the time to start developing that relationship with yourself, and that is a powerful thing if you can give yourself that time and truly just sit on a park bench and start listening to your thoughts and where are they going? Is that what you want to spend your energy on? That's what I started asking myself. Is this something I want to continually spend my energy on in this moment? And a lot of times it wasn't because I don't want to be in guilt and shame mode. I want to be able to enjoy life. Isn't that what we're supposed to do? Is enjoy our life. And how can you enjoy your life if you're not able to spend time with yourself because wherever you go, you're there. You're the asshole. You're your best friend. So what's it gonna be? Are you gonna be the asshole or are you gonna be your best friend? And I want to be my best friend. I want to enjoy myself, I want to enjoy my life, I want to enjoy being. The best version of myself that I can be at that moment. And sometimes I succeed, and sometimes I fail. As we all do. But it's finding grace within yourself to forgive yourself for making you feel like shit. Because I personally am very hard on myself. I am more hard on myself than I would ever be to anyone else. And when I was in Scotland, I realized how hard I was on me.

SPEAKER_01 22:53

And I started eliminating that.

SPEAKER_00 22:58

Because I matter. If I don't feel like I matter to myself, then who the fuck else is it gonna matter to? Because wherever I am, there I am. So I gotta matter to my heart and my soul. And I gotta take care of that. And when you do that for yourself and getting comfortable in being uncomfortable with yourself, is a gift that you can give yourself. And increase your time when you're sitting on that park bench by yourself. Increase that time a little bit more every day. Start off I did 10 minutes for one week, and then I did 15 minutes for one week, and then I did 20 minutes for one week, and then I did 30 minutes for one week, and then it just kind of progressively built up more over time, and as I sat there, and when the thoughts would come up, I would ask it, is this really what I believe? And get curious about it. And if it wasn't something that I believed, then I'm just kind of like, I don't want to waste my energy on that. Can you just go away?

SPEAKER_01 24:37

Thank you. And you want to know something? The thought fucked off. Yes, you can have your thoughts kindly and gently fuck off.

SPEAKER_00 24:53

Because you're in control of you. You get to control your thoughts, you get to control what you think and what is going on in in between your ear tofu here. You have control over that. It's the only thing that you have control over. The only thing you have control over. You cannot control other people, you can't control other situations. I can't control the government. Okay? I can't. I can't stop corruption. I can't stop people from being assholes. If you're gonna be an asshole, you're gonna be an asshole. The only thing that I can control is this my vessel, my thoughts, my patterns, and

Learning Independence And Slow Living

SPEAKER_00 25:40

trying to be the best fucking human being that I can fucking be. And one of the ways that you can do that is in fight some play and whimsy into your life. That was another thing that I learned while I was there. I love fucking swing sets. I cannot tell you how much I love to swing on a swing set because it feels like I am flying, like I am free, that I get to be Superman for just these five, 10 minutes, and I get to like raise my feet in the air, I am weightless, I am just floating through Calcutta. Okay. I am up in the skies, I am in the clouds, and it is amazing and fun. And that's why I love swing sets. And trust me, I will never pass one by. It's inviting some whimsy, it's inviting you to be do something that you love. And that brings you joy and happiness. And is that wrong? Is that wrong? No. No, it is not. So quit having guilt and shame for it and just do the damn thing. Just do the damn thing. Something else that I learned while I was over there is that I could do things that I did not think was possible, or I needed somebody else there to just kind of hold my hand, can you hold my hand while I do this? You know, I got out of that mode. Um, and that actually was kind of freeing in a way, because some of the stuff was like, oh my God. I'm just like, oh like doing an international wire transfer was so stressful for me. I'm just like, oh God, it's gonna come back to me, you know. And it did. And then I sent it back out again, and then it went through. But it was learning processes and learning how to do different things, but not beating myself up because I've never done it before, and feeling like I'm a fuck up because I have never done it before, but that isn't actually a real thought that was actually based in truth. It's just that, well, I'd never done it before. And it wasn't that I was a screw-up, it wasn't that I was doing something wrong, it's just I'd never done it before.

SPEAKER_01 28:45

And that is okay.

SPEAKER_00 28:51

And that's also giving yourself grace. When I say give yourself grace, that's what I mean. Let yourself be okay with I'm allowed to kind of screw up sometimes. I in fact, I'm gonna do that. I hate saying that, but it is gonna happen at some point in time. But the thing is, is it's how I respond to it, how I bounce back from that. That is what matters, and that is something that I'm quite frankly, I'm still learning that lesson. And it's okay to keep learning. That's how we grow and we develop and we become better human beings, is we learn from our mistakes. We learn lessons from what was taught to us, and we reevaluate it as we go along in life. And that's an important thing to do. The other thing that I learned is that I actually enjoy a slower life. I really truly do. I am not a hustle and grind kind of girl. And this is kind this is more of a cultural difference between America and Europe, okay? And you can believe what you want to believe because it's your life. But I realized being over there, that I am not a nine to fiver. I am not a hustle and grinder. I am not somebody who can keep performing at like an insane level in which, like, you gotta give me 24 hours access to you all the time, 24-7, 365, around the clock. I am not your girl.

unknown 30:48

I am not your girl.

SPEAKER_00 30:49

I am not that girl. I am a slow to get up kind of girl. I want to take my time and I want to enjoy a little bit of time for myself in the morning to just take care of me. And I give myself a half an hour, sometimes even an hour, and I schedule that in. So I'm taking time for myself now in the morning. It's a crazy concept, but I'm better mentally when I am in the morning than I am by the end of the day. Because in the morning, it's just my energy that I'm going off of. By the end of the day, I've kind of collected other people's energy signatures, and stuff has been kind of put on me. Not intentionally, but just because of who I am and that I just pick up on people's energy signatures, that I have a tendency to take on the

Protecting Energy And Filling Your Cup

SPEAKER_00 32:00

energy of others. I don't mean to, it's just what happens to me. But I have now learned how to protect myself from stuff like that. And this has come from well, 23 years of doing massage, because massage is an energetic exchange between you and somebody else. But in life, all of our energies are an exchange with the collective we, okay? And it gets a little much sometimes, and at the end of the day, I really have to like energetically clean myself from everyone else's bullshit, and it helps, it really does. It gives me my energy back at the end of the day, and that is something that is really valuable. And if you want to know how to do that, look up some of these witches on Instagram and on Facebook and TikTok because there are ways of protecting your energy and keeping it more for yourself because there are people who want to siphon off some of your shit because it is that delicious. Yeah. Did you know that you're that delicious? I know I'm that delicious. I'm just saying, but I am a tasty orange today. But the thing is, is that you need to do it for yourself. And I like to keep my energy now to myself. I don't like giving it away anymore. I'm not just out here saying, here's me, me, me, me, me.

SPEAKER_01 33:51

No. Stop it.

SPEAKER_00 33:56

You can't have this. And that is something that I learned also in Scotland is that my energy is up to me to decide who I give it to. And that is a place of power to be in. And that's kind of taking your sovereignty back. It's like, what do I want to spend my time on? What do I want to spend my energy on? And what do I want to spend my money on?

SPEAKER_01 34:34

It should be you. The first answer should be you.

SPEAKER_00 34:38

Um but not in a selfish way. Need to emphasize that one. Because I still really want to help people out. Like, I generally want to be a giver in life. But I also know that if you give too much and you are not filling up your own cup, you have nothing left to give to others. And that's something else that I learned while I was in Scotland is that you do have to fill back up your cup before you can put on a life vest for others. You gotta put it on for yourself. So have you put on your life vest today? If not, maybe you should. Because when you do take care of yourself first, you're then able to pour more into others. You're able to pour more into the things that mean something to you.

SPEAKER_01 35:44

And are you doing that for yourself? These are the things that I learned when I was in Scotland.

SPEAKER_00 35:54

Go figure. Giving a shit about me. Um But I also had some difficulties, okay? Don't get me wrong. There were some challenges that came up from taking off of six months of work, and they were not necessarily good. And we're gonna talk about that in our next little session. All right, I'll be back, so enjoy your little dance break.

unknown 36:24

Bye!

Money Problems And Asking For Help

SPEAKER_00 36:53

Hope you enjoyed your dance break. But I can tell you one thing: Scotland wasn't all sunshine and rainbows. Okay. Uh there were a couple moments in which like I had some major and very serious issues, mostly financial. When I first came over, I sold everything. I sold my house, I sold my furniture, I sold all my kitchen stuff, I sold my bedding, I sold uh everything in order to do this trip to Scotland for six months. And I put everything into a storage unit uh where my brother lives so he could kind of keep an eye on it while I was away. And it was a great time, but there were a couple of factors when I first got there that I didn't know that I would end up having to put out a little bit more money on. I ended up having to stay in a hotel a little bit longer than what I originally thought before I got an apartment. So that kind of ate a little bit of my budget, as well as there's a council tax there that it's like a property tax and water bill uh for the property. Now, generally in the United States, property tax is paid for by the owner of the property. But that is not necessarily the case there. And so I ended up having to pay a few more months because the last person didn't. So that ate also into my budget. So when May came around, I was supposed to get a settlement from a lawsuit, and what I estimated would have been probably, I thought, at least like a couple thousand. Uh, it ended up being like 80 bucks. And that was not enough to cover my bills. So I was a little panicky because things were due and there was no money to be had, and I freaked the fuck out. So the only thing that I could come up with is asking my family for help, which is never something that is easy as an adult person to have to do. It's really truly difficult. And with my family, anytime that you borrow money from somebody, it's like you're getting also taxed emotionally because you shouldn't have to do this, but you are doing this. So we're gonna kind of make sure that you're a little miserable about that and dealing with a lot of guilt and shame for having to ask. Uh, and I had to clear all of that out, and I had to really sit down with myself and be like, okay, is the juice worth the squeeze on this? You know, before I pulled the trigger on it. And I'm just kind of like, I just I don't know what else to do. So I did. And my family helped me out, which was great. And then I also needed to get a plane ticket back, which was June's dilemma. Um, but June had its own set of issues in Thailand. So I needed to get a flight home at the end of June, but I did not want to admit that I needed to go back to the United States because I sold everything. I had no job, no prospects. Um, I'm running on fumes on money at this point in time. I thought, oh great, I'm gonna have to move in with my parents and my sister who's taking care of them in order to be able to get myself back up. And it was really scary. And the thing is, is that I also met a person in Scotland who found me interesting. We kind of talked, we hit it off, and you know, they wanted to help me out, and they're just like, I have a logistics manager who does all my traveling for me, and I, you know, I would love it if you could use them because that way it would be less stressful for you.

SPEAKER_01 41:15

I thought, oh, that's really nice, thank you.

SPEAKER_00 41:18

But then when I started talking to the logistics manager, flags were kind of going off in my head a little bit, and I didn't know necessarily really what to do because I've been doing all this healing and I've been doing all this work on like trying to get myself into trusting people more, but that was not the lesson that I needed to learn in that moment. The lesson that I was supposed

Ticket Scam And Trusting Intuition

SPEAKER_00 41:50

to learn was my intuition is correct and right, and I needed to listen to my inner voice, myself, and discern that this person does not have my best intentions at hand, even though the other person did. This person did not, and that is something that I had a little trouble deciding because my ass was healed, I thought, but um nope, that was not necessarily the case. Um, but I did learn that though, that I needed to use my discernment just because I trusted this person does not necessarily mean that I have to trust everyone that they say is a good person. If flags are going off for me, if my intuition is pinging, I need to listen to that and not necessarily outside voices. And that is something that we all need to do, to be honest with you. It was an expensive lesson that I learned because this person ended up not listening to my budget constraints, also ended up upgrading me to some flight that I really didn't want to have. And the thing is, is that the flight she was saying, like you can look it up online, and I'm just sitting here going, like, but there's plenty of cheaper seats available. I don't understand why you're making me pay this. And I kind of realized that when you want something done like that, sometimes it's just best to do it yourself. But anyway, this wonderful person ripped me off. And then when I did get the ticket, it was actually a dummy ticket. The flight wasn't correct, said it was leaving out of Edinburgh, but actually, when I looked it up, the flight leaved out. Of Heathrow. I mean, the ticket was severely fucked up. And I'm just sitting here going, like, and then she told me that I needed to pay more in order to get a reprint of the right ticket. And that's once I paid that and she didn't give me the ticket, I'm just like, fuck. I'm I got pissed. I was looted. I was absolutely devastated because I had been had. And that hurt. So now I'm out, all the money I have. I've sold everything. I have no jobs, no prospects. I have to go back to the States now. Completely financially devastated, is what I thought. And my brother, I had to ask him for help in order to get me a ticket back home, which he

Returning Home With New Plans

SPEAKER_00 45:00

did. Thank you, brother. I appreciate you. Thank you so much. And then once I did get back, it's just like it's just an onslaught of like my parents are aging, they're not doing well mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally, and everything. Like their life is just kind of sucking right now. And all of a sudden, I have even more guilt and shame because I asked them for help. And now I realize and see that they didn't have help really to give, but they did. And now I feel kind of shitty. So I had to work through those feelings because this is the problem of being like a good and kind person. You can kind of see where people want to help you out and can help you out and shouldn't help you out. And I can decipher this very easily. And it was very hard and very difficult to see that when I got back, that they really couldn't afford to help me out, but they did help me out. And now I feel like shit because I have nothing to give them. Is essentially what happened. And so, how am I fixing this? Well, part way through in Scotland in June, I randomly called and tried to figure out my American life and how that was going to be and what that was going to look like. So my parents said that they really did have no room in the inn. And I'm like, okay, I need to find a place in which I can go back to. The last place that I lived was Oklahoma, and that's where I'm at now. I'm saying hi to you from Revelate Salons, Bob, where we do things with beauty and style and love. But I went back to my old place. I called them up, and the funny thing is, is that the day that I called, my boss was like, that is so freaking weird that you called me right now because I was literally having and booking appointments for interviews for other massage therapists to take your spa next week. But because you called me now, hell yes, I will take you. And I'm like, sweet, awesome. Uh, and then, but I needed to find a place to live. And I knew that I wasn't gonna be able to have like a lot of money for a deposit, rent, utility. I wasn't gonna be able to have all that money there. So I thought, okay, let me ask some of my clients who I absolutely love and adore, as well as some of my friends there and some of the people that I work with, and just I'm just gonna randomly ask if anybody has any room. Any room that they can rent me. And I gave them a couple different scenarios, and I also told them, look, and if you can't do it, it's perfectly fine. Just tell me, I'm sorry, I can't, I don't have the space. No big deal. So I asked everyone, and strangely enough, one of my friends actually did have an amazingly perfect

Housing Solution And Work Rebuild

SPEAKER_00 48:50

scenario come up, and that is what I am doing. She needed somebody to kind of look out for her animals and her house, and her kid ended up getting a job in Texas. So he was staying at the house, taking care of the animals, but then all of a sudden he got a job opportunity and was moving to a different state. She was kind of freaking out because she she didn't want to have to move back into the house and be there by herself. And I mean, because she has a boyfriend life living, doing all that kind of stuff, and staying with her man, and which is fantastic. So what ended up happening is that she let me rent her house for way under what it was valued, but helping her getting it ready to rent. Because it's not in really a state of renting right now. Needs some paint, needs a little fixing up, a little remodel. So we're gonna do that during this time that I'm renting the house from her and helping her outdo some of this stuff. And I'm just kind of like, hell yeah. Toast, I will totally take that. And she's not living there, so I get to live there by myself. I get to take care of some fuzzy kids, you know, a giant mastiff and two two cats. So you'll see them at some point in time, trust me. Trust me, you will meet those kids, okay? I can guarantee you that because they are absolute sweethearts. But it all kind of worked out, and this was kind of before the whole plane tickets fell apart in my lap. But the things were starting to go forward, things were starting to look good. Until it wasn't, and then all of a sudden the ticket stuff happened, and then that started snowballing, and then having to clear out more guilt and shame, more feelings of inadequacy, more feelings of just like, why can't I just learn my lessons? I'm 54 years old, I should know this shit by now. But stuff still happens, and all we can do is just be the best version of ourselves that we can be. And sometimes that works, sometimes not so much. When all the stuff with the plane ticket started happening is when everything kind of changed and shifted, like the energy just went from like, yeah, good vibes, everything's working out for me, and then all of a sudden it just went 180 in another direction, and it's like, fuck yeah, but we learned lessons from this expensive lessons, but lessons were learned, and it really threw me back into survival mode, and I have to say, thrusting yourself back into survival mode when you have not been in it for a while is really jarring, but an amazing lesson that can be learned from it. Because when you're in survival mode, you're not thinking with clarity, you are thinking with fear. And how can I get out of this? You're not necessarily using your brightest spots in your mind, if I'm being honest, but everything that I had been doing beforehand, like sitting on the park bench for 10 minutes to an hour eventually, helped me remain calm, clear, and had clarity within the situation a little bit more than what I did when I was if I was still in survival. So that was a blessing. Okay. All these weird ass lessons that I was learning ended up being a blessing in the end when I was trying to get out of school. But that wasn't the only thing that actually happened, though, because the job in the house also came along. But then

Car Hunt And Redirection Lessons

SPEAKER_00 53:30

also part way through, I knew I needed a vehicle, and I was gonna have to get one because I sold it in order to get to Scotland. So when I got back, I needed to get a car. I was looking at cars online in Scotland and trying to find something that I liked, something that was, you know, a little bit more fuel efficient and stuff is what I was hoping for, but I couldn't find anything. And then all of a sudden, I gave my sister and my dad some notes on like what kind of cars I was looking for, and they could they were gonna go and test drive a few because my dad's a big car person, and that gives him something to do, and he was kind of excited about doing that. So they were going to the car lots and looking at cars. Well, I was also happening to look at the cars online, and I found this one, and I'm just kind of like, hey, I just found this car and it looks kind of cool. I don't know if you guys want to check it out. And the funny thing is, is that my sister texts me back and she's like, actually, we're looking at that car right now. It's funny that you mentioned that. And so they did, they took it out for a test drive, and they're just like, This is a great car, it is fuel efficient, it has everything you need, it's got some bells and whistles to it, you know, it's a decent price, you know. Maybe you should consider doing that. But I was still like about a week-ish out, and I'm just kind of like, well, I don't know if the car is gonna be there. And they're just like, well, if it is, then it's meant to be. If it's not, then well, it's not. And we looked at another car that was kind of in between Kansas City and uh Lincoln, where my parents are, and there was another car that came up that was similar to, but it actually had a color. Well, that car actually got sold, so we went right to the other car and ended up getting it, and it was there, and it all just kind of timing worked out. The funny thing is, is that on the flip side of that, I thought I would be able to get like a small personal loan to be able to pay my bills, to be able to pay the first month rent and everything like that. And um, that did not work out. But that I ended up realizing that rejection was actually redirection because I actually don't think that I could have probably afforded a small loan had I taken it out. I realize this now, I didn't realize it at the time, I was kind of freaking the fuck out. But it ended up being for the better. And don't ask me how, don't ask me why. It just did. And so sometimes rejection is actually a redirection into something or protection from something that you couldn't actually do, anyhow. If you think about it. So I talked to the person who I was house sitting for, and she's just like, you know, I'm just gonna get you some paint, and if you can paint the inside of the house for me, you know, over the next couple months, that would be great. I'm like, dumb. Because I actually love house painting, I love painting walls, I really truly do. I don't know why that excites me, but it does. So I'm like, absolutely 100%, I will paint your walls in lieu of rent. Yes. So weird things like that have been happening during this time. But then there's other parts in which, like, how am I gonna pay my bills? How am I gonna pay this? How am I gonna pay that? But then when I started my job here was kind of interesting because I only had a few numbers in my phone, and I texted all of them, and it was so funny because within four hours I had like 12 people already signed up with appointments, and I'm just like, damn, okay, but now it's a little slower,

Integrating Scotland Lessons In America

SPEAKER_00 58:10

but now that I'm here, but the thing is, is that I also was able to get onto the computer system and be able to slowly text all my clients back and say, Hey, I'm back. Do you need a massage? And you want to know something? They've been booking. So it's been a weird kind of lessons learned, but also things are kind of working out. And sometimes you just kind of need to laugh at how ridiculous all this is, and just be like, oh my dear god, are you kidding me with this shit? Really? Really, we're gonna do this. Okay, okay, this is how you want to play it. Alright. I'm gonna just sit here and hold on to my butt. But now that I'm back, I'm integrating the lessons I've learned from Scotland and taking the American way and the Scottish way and kind of trying to integrate the two. And it is really kind of difficult, I'm not gonna lie to you. It's been challenging, but it's only been a couple weeks. So once again, you have to give yourself grace. You have to give yourself permission to kind of fuck things up every once in a while, and just be okay with things kind of being fucked up for a little bit, and hoping to God that it will eventually even back out, and it's not gonna be so wibbly-wobbly, timey whimey, and that it's eventually gonna have a path. But whatever that path is gonna be, I'm gonna follow it because I have to say one thing. It has been a hell of a ride. After clearing out physical, sexual, mental abuse, shit show of being put upon, choosing people who end up taking more advantage of you than what should be allowed, also clearing all of the abandonment that I kind of felt as a kid, or not necessarily always having my needs met, which really brought up a lot of the issues that I am having right now. And it's okay because clearly I didn't clear everything out, and that I think is also some of the reason why some of this stuff did come back up for me is because it was so subconscious and so deep ingrained in my mind since childhood, childhood, that I had a hard time adjusting to getting that point resolved enough within myself that I accepted it and I was okay with it, so I could move beyond it. I kind of think that that's why shit is working out for me now, even though it doesn't look like it's working out for me now. It is and she also isn't, so it's just kind of going with the flow of life and just kind of going with the universe and seeing what comes up, and that is

Small Steps And Closing Reflections

SPEAKER_00 1:02:20

our episode today. So I have no idea what I'm gonna talk about next time.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:26

Really truly don't.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:29

But I wanted to show you what some of these lessons are and the practical applications that they have had within my life, and so this was a little bit more story time integrating, and I hope that you can do that because now you can go back to these lessons, and that's why I give you a month in between episodes. So you can slowly start integrating some of the stuff into your life, it's not gonna happen overnight. Small actionable steps are actually what make change happen more for you consistently than these big massive changes that you can't keep up with. Because when you slowly add things into your life, you're able to create a place of more stability and foundation within it. And that is where you need to start, is on your foundation. So I hope that these lessons and integrations and my crazy ass stories can kind of teach you how to heal some of this, and how these things kind of come up and play and interact within our lives, and to how we can deal with it better because that's all I want for you is to be the best you you can be. I'm gonna try and be the best me I can be, but I'm gonna fuck up. I got lessons to learn, and so do you. So learn some lessons today, and we'll come back tomorrow and we'll learn a few more. Okay? Alright. I love you guys.

unknown 1:04:22

Bye!